I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
