will power is for people who don't want to get laid
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
