so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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