I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
