If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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