Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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