i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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