Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You're breaking my sexual little heart
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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