If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
