I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
