You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Randomize
