the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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