You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
