in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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