He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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