i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
