I cut my penus on the lid.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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