I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
