She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
