I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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