I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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