Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
