you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
