I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
