If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
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