I checked into jail on foursquare
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
