Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
