well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
