be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
