two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Terrible idea I love it
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
