Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
