I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
