I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
