wat bout pragnant strippers??
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
