Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
