Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
