I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Randomize
