you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
