i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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