No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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