You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
