I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just want nice things and good sex
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
