we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
