GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
