I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
