it wasn't lemon gatorade
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
