i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize