i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
