Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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