i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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