mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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