i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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