Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize