my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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