I will die if light touches me.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize