Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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