don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
