Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
