Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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