so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
