This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
