the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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