She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
